Sorry Isn't the Problem. Knowing When to Say It Is.
A note on accountability, confidence,
and the difference between the two.
At some point in the last few years, “sorry” became a problem to be solved.
Leadership experts explain to everyone who wants to hear it that speaking like a leader means replacing sorry I'm late" with "thank you for your patience." Women are told to stop saying they are sorry, as it makes them look weak, and that confidence is shown by not apologising.
It sounded like confidence. It spread everywhere.
What happened next
People started arriving thirty minutes late and saying "thank you for your patience."
Not sorry. Not "I should have left earlier." Just a reframe. A more palatable sentence in the place of an honest one.
That is not confidence. That is avoiding accountability with better packaging. And the people on the receiving end of it know exactly what just happened.
Confidence owns the mistake. It does not rename it.
Stop saying sorry for these
There is a long list of things women apologise for that have nothing to do with accountability and everything to do with having absorbed the message that they are somehow too much.
Having a different opinion.
Asking for what you are worth.
Taking up space in a room.
Needing time to think.
Existing loudly.
None of these requires an apology. The apology in these situations is not an act of humility. It is a habit of self-reduction that costs you credibility every time you deploy it.
Say it for these
Being late without a reason.
Getting something wrong.
Saying something that hurt.
Not following through.
In these cases, sorry is not weakness. It is accuracy. It costs nothing and builds everything. The person who can say it cleanly, without hedging or over-explaining, signals something that "thank you for your patience" never can: that they understand the impact of their actions on other people, and they are willing to own it.
That is not small. That is one of the most disarming things you can do in a room.
The distinction that matters
People who never apologise are not confident. They are difficult.
People who apologise for everything are not humble. They are invisible.
The goal is neither. The goal is knowing the difference between a situation that calls for accountability and a situation that calls for you to stop making yourself smaller.
One requires a sorry. The other requires you to drop the habit of defaulting to one.
Knowing which is which, in real time, under pressure, in rooms where the stakes are high, that is the actual skill. And it is one worth developing.
In a negotiation
As a negotiator, I learned that owning a mistake and not taking yourself too seriously is a magic formula.
I once genuinely screwed something up. I had been working closely with someone I would need to collaborate with for the next year. Our relationship was, by nature, a constant negotiation. Under time pressure, I took a decision that was not mine to take. I knew I was wrong. And when the phone rang, I knew exactly what was coming.
I picked up before he could speak. I apologised. I told him I was wrong, that I had acted under pressure, that it was on me if things had gone sideways, and that I could only imagine how upset he must be.
A pause. Then he burst out laughing and said "I really wanted to be upset with you, but you make it impossible."
We found a way through it. The collaboration over the months that followed was one of the better ones I have had.
The apology did not cost me the relationship or reputation. It saved it.
